if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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