Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
