Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
