drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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