someone threw a dead crab at me
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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