Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
