I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Alive.
So much puke
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
