I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
