see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
