seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
