There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
