Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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