remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
