I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
