FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
