Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
