I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We left the knife in your bed.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
