this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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