Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
