Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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