3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
