remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
