Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
