trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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