I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
