Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
