Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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