I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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