Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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