I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
