So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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