I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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