Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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