We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
