Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
