I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Randomize
