There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
