I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
