where am i from again
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
