If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
