I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
