if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
