When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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