Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
