I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
