I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
