I'm so fucking centered right now
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
