the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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