How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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