We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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