Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
